I cannot seem to get out of my own way. While I teach about online dating strangers in a classroom and help my friends polish their profiles, I can’t seem to get over the stumbling block to re-write my own and get back to online dating…or dating in general. Instead, I play around at night with Tinder and OkCupid, innocently flirting with guys I have no intention of meeting. It’s easy and not intimidating, because there’s no follow-through required. Click, smile, like, repeat. Next. Send a few “hello” messages, or sometimes just a quick whatsapp ping. Move on.

None of this will amount to anything of substance, not even a date. I even have my friendly flirt who lives down the street and visits my profile every few weeks to say hi via whatsapp. He flirts tirelessly for a few days, perks up my ego, and then disappears again. I have my theories that he connects with me in between relationships or when he’s having a fight with his girlfriend, sometimes only responding to a whatsapp message at odd hours. Either way, it requires little to no commitment on my end. It’s harmless flirting that will lead to nothing.

Sometimes, I think about sending a playful meme over whatsapp to break the ice, but I stop myself, knowing it won’t lead anywhere meaningful. But, of course, we know what this all means. None of this silliness will lead to a meaningful relationship or, frankly, to a date. Why am I just playing around? I’m having a series of outside issues that I’m dealing with that mess with my self-esteem, and therefore, prevent me from being able to date. If dating is like job interviewing, imagine trying to go on a series of job interviews when you’re feeling really crummy about yourself. The innocent flirting is about all my psyche can handle these days. It’s quite sad, really, because it ends up wasting months of my life when I could be meeting someone special. Sometimes, I even consider writing a long whatsapp message to someone I liked, just to see if they’d respond—but I never hit send.

What is that stupid saying – if you can’t love yourself, then who will love you? You are what you eat? Something trite like that. Basically, it just means that when you’re a person like me who wears her heart on her sleeve – and your heart is in need of repair – it’s hard to sell yourself to someone. Even sending a whatsapp hello can feel like too much commitment some days. I’m stuck in my own way and can’t seem to get out. It’s like I’m tripping over my own two feet over and over, and yet, I catch myself scrolling through whatsapp conversations I’ll never finish. I even have a folder of screenshots of past flirts saved on whatsapp, a constant reminder that I’m too hesitant to take a real step forward. How can I get over this hurdle and start dating again? Maybe start small: a casual whatsapp chat here, a polite whatsapp check-in there, and slowly allow myself to actually meet someone in person. Eventually, the whatsapp pings could lead to something real.